My mom is awesome.  She is one of the wisest and most grounded people I know.  You can’t shake her.  Whatever problem my sister and I face my mother always responds with calm problem solving.  She doesn’t fall into the chaos.  I call her on the phone,  feeling like things are falling apart, and before I know it I have a fine, manageable situation that just needs perseverance.

Over the past few months, it has been difficult to find a job.  From time to time, I can’t help but throw my hands up and ask the universal defeating question — “what is wrong with me?”.    All of a sudden regardless of almost 10 years of experience I find myself at a high school dance wondering why I’m standing with my girlfriends and not dancing with a hot varsity football player.  What’s wrong with me?  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I not easy enough?  — Jump to this moment with my career — Am I not smart enough?  Am I not talented enough? Creative Enough?  Blah, blah, blah.

The wonderful merry-go-round of my self flagellation is in place.

But as I feel the sweet need to wallow in self pity, I return to three pieces of advice my mother has given me throughout my life.  So here it is:

Mom Advice #1: Learn Something

When I went home in 2004, I was terribly depressed and my parents patiently took me in to recover and get medical help.  This little sabbatical ended up being almost a year at home, on the couch, not sleeping, and a lot of crying.  My family is really close, so upon reflection, I bet this really hurt my parents to see me so broken, but you would never know it.  Instead of feeding the sadness, my parents were supportive and kept as much “normalcy” as possible.

During this time, nothing felt good.  Nothing sounded fun.  Nothing held much interest.  My mother gave me some wise advice: LEARN SOMETHING.  Anything, it didn’t matter what it was.  I told her in a depressive haze that I wanted to make jewelry and the next week we were at Michael’s buying a set of jewelers tools, and a little case with a series of small cubbies for each of my beads.  I sat on the couch simply stringing beads (with no shortage of jokes about arts and crafts from crazy camp) — this didn’t really “fix” my depression, didn’t get me any closer to good health, nor did it get me a job.  It just got my hands and head working in unison, and even more importantly, kept my frantic mind busy for a while.

Then, one night I mentioned that I didn’t have a book to read.  So we flew off to a brilliant independent bookstore in Manchester, VT (honestly, it is one of the best in New England), and we bought books.  My mother didn’t care what the books were about.  So I bought self-help guides, buddhist readings, better blogging texts, and a bunch of magazines on organizing your life, getting summertime hair, and natural health.  Again, my mother is not a “self help” kind of gal, and buddhism was a new idea I had stumbled onto, but she put down her credit card and bought everything I could carry.  We went home and for the next week, I continued to lay on the couch, but at least I laid on the couch with books on my lap.  Sometimes they were open, sometimes they laid closed for days, but they were a standing reminder of intellect and possibility.

So, jump to today.  I’ve applied to at least 75 jobs.  Jobs I should get.  Jobs that I could do.  But for a series of reasons I can’t control I’m not getting calls or interviews.   I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself, but my mother’s words have stayed with me.  LEARN SOMETHING — ANYTHING.

Here are some of the things I have learned since being unemployed:

• Knitting.  Granted, right now it is just a long strip of knit, but I prefer to call it a scarf.  I tried to learn online and then Ken’s mother sat down and with magic hands walked me through the basics.
• How to go back to the gym.  I’m not as consistent as I want to be, but I really like going to the gym.  Moving my muscles, lifting weights, and simply running on a treadmill occasionally feels good again.  This new movement even got me to sign up for the Danskin Triathlon again this year.
• Giving.  I’ve had the chance to work as a volunteer for a great group SaveTogether.  Learning about start-up companies, micro-saving, social networkingm, and giving of my time just because I’m passionate about the work.

Mom’s Lesson # 2: Play it Through

What is the worst that can happen?  What is your biggest fear?  You’ll lose your job?  No money?  Being embarrassed in front of colleugues or friends?  My mother’s advice to these fears is to play it through.  For example, my biggest fear is that I will never find a job.  Ok, well I already have no job so — congrats.  Mission accomplished.  And even though I have no job, my boyfriend is supporting me. We are covering bills and living in a house.  Hell, we are even going on vacation next week.  So play the scenario through until the end.  And then what, And then what. . . this helps me realize three things:

1. Most of the problem is my own drama that keeps me from taking action.  Chill out, I’m are not that important.
2. Most of my fear is based on future scenario’s that may or may not happen, or based on information I can’t know right now.  Rudy Giuliani in his book on leadership had a good piece of advice — a good leader doesn’t make decisions until he/she absolutely has to.  Often we are trying to decide what we would do in the future when we don’t have enough information to make an educated guess.  So, cross that bridge when you get there — don’t anticipate or assume. Wait until there is a decision to be made.
3. Any problem, even the real big ones boil down to small manageable steps.  Even Christopher Columbus before he sailed the ocean blue, made a “to do” list — get funding from Queen Isabella, find a ship builder, name boats, find a crew, make way to Indian Isles or fall off the edge of the world.  So, break it down and take action.  If you can fix it, solve it, pay it, end it — do it now.  And keep doing that until it’s done.

Mom Lesson #3: The Universe Doesn’t Care.

My mother has prints from the Hubble Telescope up on wall at her house in Vermont.  In between, a collection of tea pots, and my dad’s exercise equipment are pics of spiral galaxies and supergiant stars.  It doesn’t really make sense with her country living style.

When I asked my mother about her decorating choices, she explained that when she looks at these pictures from space she remembers how small we are.  Our lives, our dramas, may feel important or life changing, but we are star dust.  We are not completely insignificant, but the vast experience of time and the universe doesn’t care whether or not you keep your job or stay with your partner.  It was here before you, it will be here after you.

Want to blow your mind –I just watched a show on the universe that suggested that not only are there 11 dimensions, but that there could be infinite universes breaking off from one another like bubbles — some float away, some dissolve.  In these infinite dimensions and universes everything that could happen — will happen or has already happened.  Think about it — there is a dimension where you are president, a dimension where dinosaurs still roam the earth, and a dimension where you are a pop star.  The possibilities are endless.  The story of life is so much greater than your day to day life and our tiny choices.  Move forward with grace, kindness, and logic — when all else fails. . .Stand in awe of the universe.

“There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

- Douglas Adams

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

– Albert Einstein

And when all else fails, perseverance, pragmatism, or the vast discover of the universe. . .just listen to your mother!