I love self-help.  I love productivity.  I love the fantasy of setting goals and achieving them, building a rich vision life, and getting everything I want in a beautiful Tiffany-style blue box.. ..

But.

Sometimes challenge arises.  Sometimes when I get what I want — I don’t want it anymore.  Sometimes I feel like I am doing everything right, and not getting back the “right” result.  What’s up with that?

Well, with the exception of my close family and friends, I’m very careful about giving advice.  My sister, the queen of therapy and counseling, once told me that most people give you the advice they would want for THEMSELVES, and very rarely actually think about the other person’s situation or needs.  Since then, I’ve watched my advice. 

But as I’ve been looking for work and coming up mostly empty-handed — I’ve found myself feeling, well, sorry for myself.  “Why can’t I get an interview?”  “Why won’t they call me back?” “I’m 32 and I still don’t know what kind of job I want, isn’t that dumb?” [insert pop 80s classic here-- you spin me right round, baby right round, like a record baby. . .]

Through it all I’ve also learned a valuable lesson (hopefully, I’ve learned more than just one lesson).  When all of us are confronted with a new challenge, the “why” part of the problem is the most fun to talk about — “why isn’t it working?” “why does he do that?” “why am I in this mess again?”  Just writing these juicy gems gets my drama heart pumping. Pour me a glass of red wine, cuz it is going to be a long night!  The “why” part of the story is endless.  There are no concrete answers and endless possibilities.  If you stay focused on the “Why” long enough, you can actually spend most of your life not having to take any action at all.  Believe me, because I’ve tried. 

But here is are the two key points I’m learning:

1. The answers to the “why’s” of any problem only come after action — never before.  You can only know that it is a good decision to take the job, after you have been working there for a while.  You only know if you can climb that mountain after you’ve trained for a few months.  Although we all hope that a strong distinctive answer to the “why” of any problem would motivate us into taking action that’s just not the way it works.  I remember hearing Oprah’s trainer Bob Greene, when talking about getting fit, say that people wait for some big motivation to start exercising and losing weight — but when you start any new habit, at first you just do it because it’s the RIGHT thing to do, and then after you begin to lose weight you become motivated to continue.  But what does this really mean?  When you confront a challenge, you may not feel ultimately inspired to achieve the goal at the start.  Most likely, when you decide to quit smoking — you won’t completely WANT to quit, and you’ll be unsure if you can really change the habit.  It’s only after making it through the first day or two, that you begin to pick up some momentum.  We all want some big karmic sign, and to race out the door with the wind in our hair to blaze through a new challenge — but so often that isn’t the case.  We just try.  We just do our best, set expectations low, and have a compassionate connection to ourselves that gets us back on the horse when we fall.  The answers to the WHY only comes after you take action, and sometimes, it never comes at all — so just do something.  Anything.

1. When confronting any challenge — the “WHY” does not change the “HOW”.  Ken and I have been talking about this a lot and trying to catch each other when we start to invite the other to our pity party.   Does it really matter why you are in the position you are in now?  Or why things didn’t work the way you wanted it to?  All that matters is the HOW do you move forward to get what you want.  Even if I was able to learn “why” I’m having trouble getting a job — the economy?  bad resume?  over-qualified? not qualified enough? It doesn’t change the ultimate question — What do I need to do to get a job?  How do I move forward to get what I want for my life?  The problem is, the actions you need to take and the “how” of moving forward is usually the easy part.  In fact, if you take an issue you are working with in your own life — I bet you already know what you need to do to move forward closer to your goal, don’t you?  I do.  But it is so much more delicious to dwell in the “why’s” of the world — then you can talk destiny, then you can discuss all the possible outcomes, and most importantly — you can stay where you are not risk anything.  Even better, you become a victim in it all — its not your fault that you didn’t meet your goal!!! So many, why’s, so little time.  But you know the truth — being a victim sucks! You feel bad, powerless, pitiful — and even worse — you still aren’t achieving your goals.  So enough with all the reasons that I don’t get what I want.  The only question to ask is HOW.  How do I move forward to achieve my goals?  What do you I need to do to get there? 
   

wish me luck.

Over the past few months, it has been difficult to find a job.  From time to time, I can’t help but throw my hands up and ask the universal defeating question — “what is wrong with me?”.    All of a sudden regardless of almost 10 years of experience I find myself at a high school dance wondering why I’m standing with my girlfriends and not dancing with a hot varsity football player.  What’s wrong with me?  Am I not pretty enough?  Am I not easy enough?  — Jump to this moment with my career — Am I not smart enough?  Am I not talented enough? Creative Enough?  Blah, blah, blah.

The wonderful merry-go-round of my self flagellation is in place.

But as I feel the sweet need to wallow in self pity, I return to three pieces of advice my mother has given me throughout my life.  So here it is:

Mom Advice #1: Learn Something

When I went home in 2004, I was terribly depressed and my parents patiently took me in to recover and get medical help.  This little sabbatical ended up being almost a year at home, on the couch, not sleeping, and a lot of crying.  My family is really close, so upon reflection, I bet this really hurt my parents to see me so broken, but you would never know it.  Instead of feeding the sadness, my parents were supportive and kept as much “normalcy” as possible.

During this time, nothing felt good.  Nothing sounded fun.  Nothing held much interest.  My mother gave me some wise advice: LEARN SOMETHING.  Anything, it didn’t matter what it was.  I told her in a depressive haze that I wanted to make jewelry and the next week we were at Michael’s buying a set of jewelers tools, and a little case with a series of small cubbies for each of my beads.  I sat on the couch simply stringing beads (with no shortage of jokes about arts and crafts from crazy camp) — this didn’t really “fix” my depression, didn’t get me any closer to good health, nor did it get me a job.  It just got my hands and head working in unison, and even more importantly, kept my frantic mind busy for a while.

Then, one night I mentioned that I didn’t have a book to read.  So we flew off to a brilliant independent bookstore in Manchester, VT (honestly, it is one of the best in New England), and we bought books.  My mother didn’t care what the books were about.  So I bought self-help guides, buddhist readings, better blogging texts, and a bunch of magazines on organizing your life, getting summertime hair, and natural health.  Again, my mother is not a “self help” kind of gal, and buddhism was a new idea I had stumbled onto, but she put down her credit card and bought everything I could carry.  We went home and for the next week, I continued to lay on the couch, but at least I laid on the couch with books on my lap.  Sometimes they were open, sometimes they laid closed for days, but they were a standing reminder of intellect and possibility.

So, jump to today.  I’ve applied to at least 75 jobs.  Jobs I should get.  Jobs that I could do.  But for a series of reasons I can’t control I’m not getting calls or interviews.   I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself, but my mother’s words have stayed with me.  LEARN SOMETHING — ANYTHING.

Here are some of the things I have learned since being unemployed:

• Knitting.  Granted, right now it is just a long strip of knit, but I prefer to call it a scarf.  I tried to learn online and then Ken’s mother sat down and with magic hands walked me through the basics.
• How to go back to the gym.  I’m not as consistent as I want to be, but I really like going to the gym.  Moving my muscles, lifting weights, and simply running on a treadmill occasionally feels good again.  This new movement even got me to sign up for the Danskin Triathlon again this year.
• Giving.  I’ve had the chance to work as a volunteer for a great group SaveTogether.  Learning about start-up companies, micro-saving, social networkingm, and giving of my time just because I’m passionate about the work.

Mom’s Lesson # 2: Play it Through

What is the worst that can happen?  What is your biggest fear?  You’ll lose your job?  No money?  Being embarrassed in front of colleugues or friends?  My mother’s advice to these fears is to play it through.  For example, my biggest fear is that I will never find a job.  Ok, well I already have no job so — congrats.  Mission accomplished.  And even though I have no job, my boyfriend is supporting me. We are covering bills and living in a house.  Hell, we are even going on vacation next week.  So play the scenario through until the end.  And then what, And then what. . . this helps me realize three things:

1. Most of the problem is my own drama that keeps me from taking action.  Chill out, I’m are not that important.
2. Most of my fear is based on future scenario’s that may or may not happen, or based on information I can’t know right now.  Rudy Giuliani in his book on leadership had a good piece of advice — a good leader doesn’t make decisions until he/she absolutely has to.  Often we are trying to decide what we would do in the future when we don’t have enough information to make an educated guess.  So, cross that bridge when you get there — don’t anticipate or assume. Wait until there is a decision to be made.
3. Any problem, even the real big ones boil down to small manageable steps.  Even Christopher Columbus before he sailed the ocean blue, made a “to do” list — get funding from Queen Isabella, find a ship builder, name boats, find a crew, make way to Indian Isles or fall off the edge of the world.  So, break it down and take action.  If you can fix it, solve it, pay it, end it — do it now.  And keep doing that until it’s done.

Mom Lesson #3: The Universe Doesn’t Care.

My mother has prints from the Hubble Telescope up on wall at her house in Vermont.  In between, a collection of tea pots, and my dad’s exercise equipment are pics of spiral galaxies and supergiant stars.  It doesn’t really make sense with her country living style.

When I asked my mother about her decorating choices, she explained that when she looks at these pictures from space she remembers how small we are.  Our lives, our dramas, may feel important or life changing, but we are star dust.  We are not completely insignificant, but the vast experience of time and the universe doesn’t care whether or not you keep your job or stay with your partner.  It was here before you, it will be here after you.

Want to blow your mind –I just watched a show on the universe that suggested that not only are there 11 dimensions, but that there could be infinite universes breaking off from one another like bubbles — some float away, some dissolve.  In these infinite dimensions and universes everything that could happen — will happen or has already happened.  Think about it — there is a dimension where you are president, a dimension where dinosaurs still roam the earth, and a dimension where you are a pop star.  The possibilities are endless.  The story of life is so much greater than your day to day life and our tiny choices.  Move forward with grace, kindness, and logic — when all else fails. . .Stand in awe of the universe.

“There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.”

- Douglas Adams

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

– Albert Einstein

And when all else fails, perseverance, pragmatism, or the vast discover of the universe. . .just listen to your mother!

Home Sweet Home!

So a few weeks ago, Lapster and I stared to have a debate (I would call it a fight – he would call it a debate). I started telling him that I wanted to show him “my new favorite Hack.” He told me I was using the word incorrectly, but I thought I was still correct. It appears after a little research that we are both right. Rare, but true.

Lapster’s definition:

Hack:

(1)(verb) To write program source code. Also called “hacking.” Often refers to writing a small program or adding code to an existing program to solve a problem in a hurry. A hack also implies writing in a programming language rather than a macro language or other high-level language oriented to the user. See hacker.

(2)(noun) Program source code. You might hear a phrase like “nobody has a package to do that, so it must be done through some sort of hack.” This means someone has to write programming code to solve the problem, because there is no pre-written routine or function that does it. See hacker.

That’s the technical definition, and what I was talking about is what is now called a “life hack” which is defined as:

Lifehack:

The term life hack refers to productivity tricks that programmers devise and employ to cut through information overload and organize their data.

Actually, I’ve become slightly obsessed with life hacks, organization, and productivity. So I thought I would make a list of my top 10 favorite hack sites. In my old job, my work was overwhelming a lot of the time and I used to encourage my staff — “don’t work harder, work smarter.” These sites embody this ideal. Besides they are just super fun, and i love the idea of getting my life in order – I never actually get there, but I really like thinking about it.

Top 10 Hack Sites

1. lifehacker The grand daddy of life hacks.

2. lifedev A great site of personal development

3. zenhabits Find peace in the process.

4. lifehack If you can believe it, this site IS different from the others.

5. lifeclever Design and tech hacks.

6. GTD Blog One of the best Getting Things Done site, and has an incredible index of organizing sites on the web.

7. Ready Made Mag Blog DIY hacks

8. Ikea Hacker Learn to make fashion forward furniture with a quick IKEA hack.

9. dealhack.com The site looks strange, but the deals are great.

10. househacker.com Great tips to make your house a home.